Forget Ali-Frazier, Hagler-Hearns, and Tyson-Holyfield. The real fight of the century is taking place today in a conference room at the Capella Hotel in Singapore. With so much at stake, even the slightest edge can make all the difference, that’s why Coconuts has taken the time to break down just how well US President Donald Trump and North Korea’s dear leader Kim Jong Un match up. To the tape!
Kim: Once an order is issued, you should break the waists of the crazy enemies, totally cut their windpipes and thus clearly show them what a real war is like.
Trump: Grab’em by the pussy.
Best insane delusion
Kim: Believes grandfather Kim Jong Il invented the hamburger.
Trump: Believes inauguration crowd largest in US history.
Kim: Boxy, lush, full.
Trump: Terrifying comb-over as imagined by H.P. Lovecraft.
Trump: Makes fun of staffers on social media until they give up and quit.
Kim: Blows staffers into tiny bits with anti-aircraft gun.
*Picture of anti-aircraft gun execution unavailable.
Super powers (attributed)
Kim: Can control weather with his mind.
Trump: Can make followers believe thoughts gleaned from Fox & Friends are his own.
Apocryphal story of greatness
Kim: Learned to drive at the age of 3.
Trump: Actually wrote Art of the Deal.
Kim: Sushi, Kobe beef, Cristal, top-shelf Hennessy. Lots of Hennessy.
Trump: Overdone steaks, Big Macs, ketchup. Lots of ketchup.
Kim: Husky lads department at JC Penney
Trump: Elastic waistband holding firm (barely)
Best film credit
Trump: Contractually guaranteed cameo in Home Alone 2. Says hello to perplexed Macaulay Culkin.
Kim: Portrayed by Randall Park in Seth Rogan comedy The Interview. Promptly declares portrayal “an act of war.”
Edge: Trump, on strength of character not being shot in the face with a machine gun
Trump: 6,800 warheads (some are theoretically being disabled).
Kim: Somewhere between 13 and 60.
Kim: Normal, appropriately sized hands for average North Korean male of his age
Favorite member of 1996 NBA champion Chicago Bulls
Trump: Dennis Rodman
Kim: Dennis Rodman