Tale of the Tape: Trump vs. Kim

 

Forget Ali-Frazier, Hagler-Hearns, and Tyson-Holyfield. The real fight of the century is taking place today in a conference room at the Capella Hotel in Singapore. With so much at stake, even the slightest edge can make all the difference, that’s why Coconuts has taken the time to break down just how well US President Donald Trump and North Korea’s dear leader Kim Jong Un match up. To the tape!


Choice quote

Kim: Once an order is issued, you should break the waists of the crazy enemies, totally cut their windpipes and thus clearly show them what a real war is like.
Trump: Grab’em by the pussy.

Edge: Trump

Best insane delusion

Kim: Believes grandfather Kim Jong Il invented the hamburger.
Trump: Believes inauguration crowd largest in US history.

Edge: Trump

Not a good turnout.

Hair

Kim: Boxy, lush, full.
Trump: Terrifying comb-over as imagined by H.P. Lovecraft.

Edge: Kim

Same hairstylist.

Management style

Trump: Makes fun of staffers on social media until they give up and quit.
Kim: Blows staffers into tiny bits with anti-aircraft gun.

Edge: Kim

*Picture of anti-aircraft gun execution unavailable.

Super powers (attributed)

Kim: Can control weather with his mind.
Trump: Can make followers believe thoughts gleaned from Fox & Friends are his own.

Edge: Kim

Whitest people in America.

Apocryphal story of greatness

Kim: Learned to drive at the age of 3.
Trump: Actually wrote Art of the Deal.

Edge: Trump

Literally does not even read books.

Favorite foods

Kim: Sushi, Kobe beef, Cristal, top-shelf Hennessy. Lots of Hennessy.
Trump: Overdone steaks, Big Macs, ketchup. Lots of ketchup.

Edge: Kim

If you drink Diet Coke, it cancels out the fries. Wikimedia Commons: By DonkeyHotey

Waistline

Kim: Husky lads department at JC Penney
Trump: Elastic waistband holding firm (barely)

Edge: Push

Best film credit

Trump: Contractually guaranteed cameo in Home Alone 2. Says hello to perplexed Macaulay Culkin.
Kim: Portrayed by Randall Park in Seth Rogan comedy The Interview. Promptly declares portrayal “an act of war.”

Edge: Trump, on strength of character not being shot in the face with a machine gun

The restroom’s right down the hall and to your left.

Nuclear stockpile

Trump: 6,800 warheads (some are theoretically being disabled).
Kim: Somewhere between 13 and 60.

Edge: Trump

Let’s hope the summit doesn’t go poorly.

Hand size

Kim: Normal, appropriately sized hands for average North Korean male of his age
Trump: Tiny

Edge: Kim

Very little soap needed with each washing.

Favorite member of 1996 NBA champion Chicago Bulls

Trump: Dennis Rodman
Kim: Dennis Rodman

Edge: Push

I know, none of this makes sense to me either. Laura Cavanaugh/Getty Images/AFP

 

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