National newspaper prints handy guide to identifying homosexuals

Shining light of quality journalism Sinar Harian published a little inset today that is being shared widely on social media, informing those whose eyes were unfortunate enough to fall upon it the qualities to look out for when trying to identify homosexuals.

That’s right, when you’re sitting there, stumped as to whether your nearest and dearest, might be … gasp, GAY – someone at Sinar Harian has taken the courtesy of pulling out every conflicting stereotype we’ve ever heard in order to help you make the call.

We know – you’re as curious as we are.

So here, according to the good folks at Sinar Harian, is what to look out for if your “gaydar” is broken and you’ve only got old episodes of Will & Grace for reference:

-Gays wear tight shirts to show-off their six-pack abs.

-They love going to the gym, but not to work out – only to check out other guys. (Wait, if they’re not there to work out, then how do they have six-packs?)

-Gay people like to roll with their “brothers” (i.e. running in cliques with other gay men).

-They love rocking a mustache and beard (which is super confusing as a lot of people, including religious authorities, like to sport a wispy beard).

-Gays love to buy branded items.

-Their eyes light up when they see handsome men.

But what if you think you have a lesbian in your midst? First, check to see if it’s Ellen, because we’ll tell you right now, she’s a pretty open lesbian and the nicest human we’ve never met.

Still not sure? Let’s turn to the guide!

-They hate men, and like to speak poorly of them.

-They are self-centered.

-They are often very jealous.

-Lesbians like to hug and hold hands while they walk.

Hold on, so lesbians are jealous, self-centered, and hate men … but only when they’re not too busy trying to hug you? There’s so much complexity here, I think we might need an pictograph.

2018: The year of homophobia, masquerading as journalism, with a lot of seriously repressed feelings.

Just when we had conveniently forgotten about that tragic contest last year to make a poster to prevent homosexuality, and still reeling from the deaths of children who were persecuted and murdered because others called them “gay,” there are people still doing this kind of crap.

Shame. We are better than this. Or at least we damn sure hope we are.

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