How to Tell if You’ve Already Got Wuhan Fever (A Helpful Guide)

Image: AMC Studios
Image: AMC Studios

We get it. As apex predators we love the novelty of a good scare. But the chances of being killed by the novel coronavirus remain stupidly low, and as a species, we’re pretty famous for making our worst decisions when we’re scared and ill-informed.

Before you lock yourself into a hermetically sealed room with cans of dog food and spare phone batteries, here are some warnings signs that you may be suffering from Wuhan Fever.

 

Looking out for No. 1

‘Sorry we are out of masks’ greeted customers at Unity Pharmacy in Singapore's Hillion Mall. Photo: Joy Larsen/Facebook
‘Sorry we are out of masks’ greeted customers at Unity Pharmacy in Singapore’s Hillion Mall. Photo: Joy Larsen/Facebook

You bought out every mask at Watsons because it’s you vs. everyone now.

 

Wuhan Commander

Image: Johns Hopkins Center for Systems Science and Engineering
Image: Johns Hopkins Center for Systems Science and Engineering

You opened this page full screen on your desktop and pretended to play Command and Conquer: Wuhan Dawn.

 

Gather Yon War Boys

Concept art: Warner Bros. Pictures
Concept art: Warner Bros. Pictures

You’ve preemptively painted a skull on your face mask and are demanding your friends call you “Immortan.”


On a related note: You’ve taken to referring to your boyfriend as “my blood bag” and promising he will ride eternal, shiny and chrome down Bangkok’s Sukhumvit Road.

 

The Armchair Expert

You’re dropping words like “phylogenetics” into conversations and speaking casually about “zoonotic vectors” because suddenly the internet has made you an expert epidemiologist. You don’t get why friends are avoiding you.

 

Immune to the Facts

Image: ZeniMax Media
Image: ZeniMax Media

That the normal flu kills over half a million people annually is a fact you can’t hear over the noise, because tuning out the world is a clutch survival mechanism.

 

High Score Envy

Image: Coconuts
Image: Coconuts

Refreshing the virus scoreboard to make sure you’re still No. 1 is giving you a perverse pride.

 

Facing Reality

You’re eagerly awaiting the first think piece on what the collapse of society will mean for the #MeToo movement. You’re not optimistic.

 

Checks Out

Images: Paramount Pictures
Images: Paramount Pictures

You’re pretty sure this is what things look like in Wuhan, China.

 

Racism Unmasked

You feel entitled by the outbreak to unleash the seething Sinophobia everyone told you really wasn’t cool.

 

Desperate Measures

You’ve gotten a head start on your survival plans by boning up on those weird-ass primitives videos.

 

Safer Than Sorry-er

You’re bingeing on Ninja’s Fortnite streams and tubes to up your headshot game because, yaknow, zombie movies.

 

Privilege Check

Concept art: Sony Pictures
Concept art: Sony Pictures

Suddenly the lifelong privilege you’ve been struggling to come to terms with? Feels totally awesome.

 

A Dish Best Served Viral

Image: CJ Entertainment
Image: CJ Entertainment

Conversely, you’re punching small holes in the face masks of all those who thought they were better than you.

 

Kill Them All!

You fucking hate bats now.

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