COCONUTS HOT SPOT — I’m sure you will agree that there are some days when our inner carnivore takes over and we want nothing more than to eat tons and tons of greasy, chewy, sinful meat.
And when it comes to meat, nothing satisfies cravings like a big healthy—or unhealthy—chunk of bacon. Spend even justa few minutes a day on the Internet and you’ll know that almost everyone online has an almost borderline obsession with cats and bacon.
Leaving aside the furry feline, bacon is one of the things that people would wage an online flame war for. Say something bad about bacon and you’ll probably be condemned for life.
It is with that thought in mind that I found a hole in the wall in BF homes known as Zark’s Burgers. It wasn’t the most notable of places: It’s on the 2nd floor of a small building and is quite easy to miss.
I entered a small room that could easily have been mistaken for a school cafeteria from the outside. In fact, one table had six teenage boys in their uniforms—likely high school students judging from their rowdiness. I had to go out and check that I was at the right place.
Zark’s Burger is known for their outlandish burgers and over-the-top servings. The serving sizes are huge and the prices range from the affordable to the gourmet. However, if you are really looking for the ultimate burger experience, then you’d be hard pressed to find another burger place that offers the type of burgers that they have.
The quaint appearance of their shop made me wonder whether this place can actually placate the primal carnivore raging within me. However, looking at the menu, my worries were blown away. On that simple menu was probably enough meat to feed several bear-sized men (or actual bears).
They offer different kinds of burgers ranging from the traditional Cheeseburger with Lettuce and Tomato to the outlandish half-pound-patty burger with an egg on top.
It Just Might Kill You
What shocked me, however, were the last two entries in their menu and they’re probably two of the three things that people really come here for. The first one is called the Jawbreaker. All the other burgers look normal when compared to this one.
It’s a whopping triple patty cheeseburger with Spam, bacon, and melted cheese. It costs PHP250 along with fries and drinks but the startling thing about this is its five-minute challenge. Eat the entire thing in five minutes and your meal is free.
This is a tough feat even among those that are used to challenges like these.
However, the real coup de grace is the last entry in the menu. It’s as ominous as its name implies and as dangerous as the warning label says.
Aptly named the Tombstone, it is a monstrous five-pound cheeseburger slathered with cheese. All in all, it is a two-pound meat buffet that might literally kill you if you attempt to eat it on your own.
While finishing the burger is a feat in itself, the real challenge is to finish everything—burger and fries—in ten minutes to forever have your name and face immortalized in the Wall of Fame (Or Shame, if you are on a diet and it is not your cheat day).
It costs a whopping PHP500 but is worth it if you consider the fact that you are chomping down on two pounds of pure meaty goodness.
It Stays in your Arteries Forever
Being the real meat-lover that I am, I decided to crank it up to eleven and go overboard. I decided to order that one meal that isn’t even on the menu and costs P230 with fires and drinks. The Deep- Fried Bacon Wrapped Burger.
As the name implies, it’s a burger wrapped in bacon and then deep fried. It went beyond the ridiculous and went round back into awesome territory.
I noticed some of the students looking my way and asking the server what it was having and how much was it. I felt a bit special at this point as it was something that not everyone knows about as it is on the secret menu.
Perhaps it’s that special, or they kept it off the menu to keep the body count down. It was served with fries and what looked like BBQ sauce.
Being the type of person who dips their fries into almost anything—ranging from gravy to ice cream—I first tried the fries in the runny BBQ sauce. It wasn’t anything special, actually it didn’t really match. I started to worry whether this thing was only good to look at.
However, I decided to push through and thought about dousing the burger with it. However, if I did that, then I’d have to use the knife and fork to eat it and that would be sacrilege. Like eating pizza with a fork or using a spoon for sushi, its an insult to the food.
Not finding any way around it, I gave in and prayed to the burger Gods for forgiveness. I slathered the bacon-wrapped burger with the BBQ sauce, cut it in half, cut off a small portion, and took a bite.
I was at a loss for words and simply thought that I had gone to heaven. It was one of those meals that make you shout Hallelujah since 1) it’s so delicious and 2) you might be meeting your maker soon because of it.
It was one of the best things to ever enter my mouth. The crunchy bacon, smoky sweet BBQ sauce, and thick burger patty all melded together in one great ensemble that made it seem like rainbow spewing unicorns were dancing around on my tongue.
It was literally that good.
Not for the Faint of Heart
All in all, Zark’s burger is one of those food places that will make you hesitate to return to but you end up going back anyway. Perhaps it really isn’t one of the healthiest meals anywhere, but it’s bound to be one of the most memorable.
Also, despite how the place initially looked to me, by the time I finished my meal, the place was already full of people looking for meat.
The grease and fat that you ingest will probably stay in your arteries for as long as you live—or for what’s left of your life, anyway. However, it’s probably all worth it.
According to one online comic, there are 6 reasons why bacon is better than true love and one of them is: “Love is fleeting, but bacon stays in your arteries for all eternity.”
Zark’s Burgers has branches in BF, along Taft Avenue, and on Katipunan Avenue.