We heard AirAsia, Malaysia Airlines and Scoot have all launched child-free sections on their planes—roughly five rows each—catering to passengers aged 12 and below. And according to this Time article, this change was implemented “in the wake of some high-profile tantrums”.
All we can say is… thank you. Thank you so much for responding to our endless nuisance letters, which in case you don’t know are mere excerpts of our daily diary entries. Instead of putting out a notice against those of us who’re so self-important, so unabashedly spoilt that instead of being ashamed none of us offered to hold that poor woman’s baby so she could get something to eat, we’re complaining about her baby’s existence, you’ve rewarded us. Thank you.
May we just make a tiny suggestion? Actually, it’s not tiny, but since all you discuss at your board meetings are how to make human beings less tolerant of each other, then what we’re suggesting should already be on your agenda. These are the zones we propose you implement, sooner rather than later, because we’re planning a trip to Europe so we may help boost their economy:
Drink-free zone
When they said “high-profile tantrums” the first thing that came to our mind were those cheap drunkards, who 10 minutes before take-off are already nursing their third Bloody Mary and two hours into the flight are being chained to their seat for bad behavior, plastic cups filled with chewed up tobacco strewn across the floor. We suggest assigning them to mini cages on freight planes the way you do animals, but if this doesn’t meet your budget—we’re just thinking about you, AirAsia—why don’t you just throw them all into the family zone. They should feel right at home in the middle of a screaming match with another five-year-old.
Fat-free zone
Fat is beautiful. And it continues to be until a fat person slumps into the aisle seat beside ours and basically ruins all our chances of being able to access the lavatories. It is, until said person falls asleep and starts snoring in our ear while their chubby arm innocently steals our arm rest. Of course it is, until another fat person makes the both of us get out of your seats so they can take the window seat and all we’ve got left to work with for the next 10 hours are three inches of space.
Stink-free zone
Smells like those coming from curry, feet, unwashed hair and hard labour—basically anything we haven’t been exposed to all our lives—make us ill. We can’t sleep unless the air is filled with the scent of wildflowers or a cake baking. It would make our flying experience so much better if you could just run all passengers and their carry-on baggage through a stink detector before seating them.
Also, why just stop at planes? We would appreciate it if you could make known to your government contacts that what we’d really like is to not see children at all restaurants not just some, public transport and… hospitals. Our face almost exploded back to its original ugly self when, while we were leaving the treatment room for reconstructive surgery at CGH, we saw and heard a child crying to be carried.
Oh, and we heard about Etihad Airways training cabin crew to be “flying nannies” instead of introducing child-free zones… Don’t worry about them, they’re just trying to spread the good of humanity… and we know that’s just too mainstream for you.
Buy you your next specialty coffee,
Always Super Sensitive
