As the US Department of Justice civil suit against state-owned Malaysian investment fund 1MDB and its players continues, one thing is certain: Malaysians are allegedly great gift-givers.
A generosity of such magnitude has not been seen since Portugal gifted England trading rights in Brazil and the East Indies, as well as a little old port called Mumbai in the 1661 marriage of Catherine of Braganza to Charles II (You learn something new every day, kids).
The DOJ has cited two incredibly famous people as being on the receiving end of Malaysian thoughtfulness: actor Leonardo DiCaprio and Aussie model Miranda Kerr.
Miranda Kerr? How did your Snapchat-married, chipmunk cheeks get involved in this debacle? Sit back, we’ll get to her in a minute.
Just how nice are we Malaysians? Let’s ask Leo for starters. The actor has had to spend the better part of his time since wrapping The Wolf of Wall Street looking for all of the generous Malaysian gifts bestowed upon him by his friends at Red Granite, the Hollywood production company that financed the film.
Turns out that Red Granite may have used funds diverted from 1MDB into the film’s production, and they’re now being sued for US$100 million. Awkward. What’s the DOJ’s policy on return gifts? With receipt? Still wrapped? Definitely exceeded 90 days, but in impeccable condition.
The thoughtful, yet questionably sourced, gifts include, and are not limited to, an Oscar previously belonging to Marlon Brando.
Wow, that is a great gift that just works on multiple levels. Brando is a legend. A true artist and heavyweight. I mean, you might say that Leo is a modern-day Marlon. Both pushed themselves beyond their original pretty boy, matinee idol status, into more uncomfortable roles. Brando playing a bloated Vito Corleone in The Godfather, and Leo shaking off the Titanic hype by rocking out, with his gut out in The Beach.
Other gifts include paintings by Basquiat, and Picasso.
Who is buying these gifts?! Amazing. A Basquiat?! So modern, so punk. Like an early Leo, playing a young, heroin-addicted Jim Carroll in The Basketball Diaries. It’s like you reached into the heart of his movie back-catalogue to find inspiration for the most expensive, ostentatious gifts money can buy.
Pro tip: Next time just buy him a bunch of off-set carbon footprints. We reckon he would love it just as much, and carbon footprints are a lot harder to track by the DOJ.
Leo has reportedly returned the Oscar, although it’s not clear whether he’s returned the Basquiat and Picasso. We get it Leo, beautiful things are hard to say goodbye to. But like your youthful good looks, letting them go will set you free. Free to go on to play ugly roles that will win you Oscars.
Now for Australian model Miranda Kerr. Miranda. MIRANDA. Girl, you’ve been accused by the DOJ of being the recipient of almost US$10 million worth of jewelry from Jho Low. Low is the Penang-born financier and beneficiary of many Malaysian trusts, including 1MDB, currently being sued by the US government.
How did you get here? You married a Snapchat billionaire just two weeks ago. You don’t need this kind of heat, and let’s be real girl, embarrassment.
Low, our nominee for “king, lord and chairman of the friend zone”, took a shining to Kerr it seems. According to the DOJ, he spent most of 2014 trying to woo her with four separate jewelry sets from designer Lorraine Schwartz.
There was the first gift, a Valentine’s Day present, of an 11.72-carat heart-shaped diamond worth US1.29 million. Corny, but I get you girl. You ain’t gonna say no. You just got divorced from Orlando Bloom, you feelin’ your single self.
Next came a matching 18 carat white gold diamond set worth US$1.98 million, which he gave her while on board his (also under investigation) yacht in late July and early August 2014. Aight, let me break it down for you, girl. Jho likes you. No, like … he LIKES you. Fine, Miranda, accept the gift, but you can’t play with his feelings like that.
In October came another gift, 11 carat diamond earrings worth US$1.05 million. Miranda, I told you the boy caught feelings for you. Don’t do this to him if you’re not into it. He talks about you ALL the time, like for real. I don’t think he’s just “being sweet.”
His last recorded gift to Kerr was an 8.88 carat diamond pendant worth US$3.8 million in November 2014. Sigh. Miranda, I told you it would go down like this. Do you know how thoughtful he’s being? 8.88 … EIGHT, Miranda. The luckiest of numbers. Don’t hurt him like this. He’s a good guy allegedly. Just, let him down easy, OK? Be real, but be nice, K? XOXO.
Don’t worry Malaysians, like the good Penang boy that he is, Low also bought his mother diamonds while he was shopping for Kerr. It’s great to be thoughtful with allegedly stolen money.
Protip: Jho, next time you like a girl, just be real and give from the heart. Diamonds are forever, but infatuation fades. Be yourself. Bring her something from your heart that no one else could ever think of. Penang’s best asam laksa. Gurney Drive’s best char kuey teow. These are the things she will always remember, not a bunch of diamonds bought with allegedly stolen money.
