Possibly the 5 dumbest Malaysian criminals to make the news

There’s certainly a lot of concern and debate over the crime rate in our country. The police insist that the crime rate is coming down. But citizens, especially urban dwellers, feel that crime is on the rise. Certainly, there’s no shortage of crime stories in the news.
 
All of them are disturbing, some of them are horrific. And then, there are stories like these 5 here.
 
We know laughing about crime or criminals is not the politically correct thing to do, but what the heck – these stories are just too good not to share! If ever we need some good news about crime, this is probably as good as it gets for the time being!

 
1. Details, details, details!

KUALA LUMPUR – Two robbers’ daring plan to hijack a security van transporting RM4.5 million in cash was perfect. Well, almost.
 
The duo had done everything right – carefully noting the pickup schedule of the armoured van, how many security guards would be on duty, the routes they would take, where they would strike and how to escape. It really was the perfect plan, if only they had checked all the details.
 
When the time came, the plan went like clockwork. The duo struck at a shopping mall where the van had stopped for a pickup. One robber held the van’s 5 security guards at gunpoint before hijacking the vehicle. He then drove the van out of the mall while the other robber followed in their stolen getaway car. They were in and out before anyone knew what happened.
 
The police later found the abandoned van near the mall – with 9 bags containing RM2.7 million still inside! The robbers were forced to leave more than half the cash behind because they had overlooked one small detail: the tiny Perodua Kelisa they had stolen could not fit in all the money bags!
 
“The bags are quite big. I consider them quite stupid. Their planning was very short-sighted,” commented the Kajang OCPD, Shakaruddin Che Mood back then.
 
Still, the robbers got away with RM1.8 million and are still at large. That’s not too bad for a couple of dumbasses.

 
2. Snatch theft victim snatches snatch thief’s bag, but it gets more bizarre.

SEGAMAT, JOHOR – It would have been just another unsolvable street crime, if not for this particular thief’s streak of bad luck and dumbass-ery.
 
The story starts like dozens of other snatch theft stories – a woman was having a meal at a coffee shop with her friend. A snatch thief quietly sneaks up and suddenly grabs her bag. Here’s the bad luck part: before he could make a run for it, the victim’s friend lunges at him. Here’s the dumbass part: he was carrying a bag of his own, which the friend managed to snatch from him.
 
After a brief struggle, the thief finally managed to escape with his victim’s bag. But now, the friends had the thief’s bag too. Going through the bag, they found that the thief’s MyKad was in it (really bad luck, dude!) With this piece of solid evidence in their hand, the friends went to make a police report. Here’s where the snatch thief displays a bizarre level of dumbass-ery.
 
While at she was making the police report, the victim gets a call on her mobile phone. It was the snatch thief. He had found her number in her bag and had called her because he wanted to get his own bag back. Maybe he really liked the bag, who knows.
 
The thief told her he wanted to meet to exchange bags (not sure if the money and valuables were included in the deal), emphasising that he really wanted to “settle the matter quietly”. The victim agreed and they arranged a meeting place. A short while later, the thief shows up at the agreed spot to make the exchange and the police arrest him immediately.
 
But here’s the really dumbass part: he wasn’t alone. He had brought his wife and two kids to witness the exchange. Maybe they wanted to give some kind of life lesson to the kids?

3. Cattle thieves fail to move their loot, forced to hoof it

BUKIT MERTAJAM, PENANG – You would think that people had the cow sense to know that if you want to steal cattle it’s better to move them with a lorry. But for these two cattle thieves, they firmly believed in the “Malaysia Boleh”-ness of the Proton Wira. Or rather, “Malaysia bull-eh”!
 
One night, two men sneaked into a cattle farm in Sungai Lembu, Bukit Mertajam, and sedated several cows. Once the animals were knocked out, the thieves struggled to wrangle them into their modified Proton Wira. They had modified the car – removing the back seat and clearing the boot area – to make space for the huge beasts.
 
At last, they managed to stuff 4 poor cows into the car and attempted to make their escape. They almost made it too. The thieves managed to get as far as the Butterworth-Kulim Expressway but after the Lunas Toll Plaza, they bumped into a group who were searching the area for the missing animals.
 
In a panic, they tried to speed away but the weight of the cows proved to be too much for the car and it broke down a short distance away. The thieving duo was forced to abandon the vehicle and hoof it outta there. Unfortunately, they managed to escape.
 
And this is not the only case of the Proton Wira being used for cattle theft. There were at least 2 other (unsuccessful) dumbass attempts – one in Kota Gelinggi, Pahang and one in Kulim, Kedah.
 
This shows that the Proton Wira is a pretty decent family car, because it’s just not cut out for this kind of bull.

 
4. Bank robbers’ performance bombed

BUKIT BERUNTUNG, SELANGOR – Two bank robbers who tried to blow open an ATM with home-made bombs got a mind-blowing lesson in doing proper research and planning instead.
 
CCTV footage showed two men riding up to a bank on a motorcycle in the wee hours one morning. One gets off without taking off his helmet, coolly places a homemade bomb at an ATM machine and runs to a safe distance.
 
The bomb was clearly quite powerful because when it exploded, it brought down the ceiling, broke all the windows and damaged other ATMs and deposit machines. It also set off the bank alarm, alerting the bank’s headquarters. The bank’s branch manager was called up and he immediately lodged a police report.
 
But here’s the dumbass part of the story. The would-be thieves committed their crime in plain sight of several witnesses. And despite all the damage their bomb caused, still wasn’t powerful enough to blow open the ATM. For all their effort, the thieves had to flee without any loot.
 
It wouldn’t have made any difference if they managed to access the ATM anyway. None of the bank’s cash machines had been replenished since the previous Friday.

 
5. It was dark, so this fuel thief decided to get a light

GEORGETOWN, PENANG – Teenagers think they know everything. But these teens found out the hard way that he should have paid attention to the science lessons in school. Maybe they should have stayed in school, too!

Six teens, aged 14 to 18, were hanging out one night much later than normal. And when teens are loafing about the streets in ungodly hours, it’s quite normal to expect them to come up with some mischief. For some reason, they decided it would be a good idea to steal petrol from some motorcycles parked at an apartment block.
 
It was pretty dark as they fiddled with the motorcycles in their pre-dawn escapade. Because it’s always darkest before the dawn, right? One bright spark suddenly had a brilliant idea. He flicked out his lighter to give the others some light to do their “work”. And the other dimwits were glad for the illumination. Faster than you could say “caution, flammable liquid”, the gang quickly learnt the meaning of the proverb: adding fuel to the fire. Or in their case, adding fire to the fuel.
 
In no time, petty theft had turned into arson as 9 motorcycles went up in flames. Panicking, the kids started running about like headless chickens. They were probably screaming their lungs out too as the apartment residents were woken up to see a giant bonfire in the car park.
 
Finally realising how much trouble they were in, the kids made good their escape except for one unlucky 15-year-old who was tackled to the ground by residents. They called in the cops, who quickly picked up the rest of the group.


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