The Realist: Suggestions for Rugby Sevens costumes

We’re one week away from the Rugby Sevens, so prepare your livers accordingly. Most people think you do so by resting it, though I prefer the acclimation strategy – go hard this weekend, cut the booze Monday or Tuesday, a few tipples on Wednesday, a bottle of wine on Thursday, then we’re good to go by Friday. Think of it as hitting a hard hill, coasting, then slowly ascending the mountain until you reach God-Mode Status.

Whatever your preferred method of liver prep, here are some suggestions for what to dress as this year:

  • Superman vs. Batman: Instead of the costumes go as movie critics and complain the entire time about how the plot is thin and Zack Synder is too dark for 2016.
  • Deadpool: Just paint your disgusting Bruce Lee 2014 Halloween costume red and get a Peking Opera Mask.
  • A Hong Kong publisher: Just don’t show up then send a release that you are “cooperating with the authorities on an investigation.” Seems legit. (Too soon?)
  • An American guy pretending to understand rugby: Just yell out “Touchdown!”, “Sixth Inning!” “Great Try? Wait is a try a thing in rugby? Really? REALLY!?”
  • A girl posting an Instagram picture with the hastag #blessed: That’s your everyday costume anyway, isn’t it?
  • A coked-up investment banker: That’s also your everyday costume, isn’t it?
  • A rugby player: To do this you have to get extremely jacked so work out a lot. It also helps if you’re kinda stupid.
  • The guy from From Vegas to Macau III: What’s that? You don’t watch Chinese movies so have no idea what I’m talking about, despite the fact you live in Asia? Don’t worry, me too. I’ve seen like Infernal Affairs and that’s it.
  • A guy who threatens to streak but doesn’t actually streak year after year after year: This costume is also known as my friend Pete.
  • A recent mainland Chinese billionaire: Go head to toe in Gucci and LV. Bust out the Lafite Rothschild ’69 and add a few splashes of Sprite to give it that extra zest. And remember, you don’t need tissues when you have your nose and finger to cover one nostril.
  • The costumed staff from Ocean Park Halloween Fest: Seriously. Those costumes are off the hook, meaning they’re inversely cool to my knowledge of hip slang (think about it… think about it). Why don’t the guys of Ocean Park Halloween Fest show up en masse every Sevens in awesome costumes to promote OP? I’m giving you marketing gold, guys!
  • A scalper: Have the most pedestrian English accent possible and yell at people coming in.
  • A group of Hong Kong highschoolers: Wear short shorts and make everyone over 21 vaguely uncomfortable and half the people over 61 weirdly comfortable.
  • A group palindrome: Get a large gathering. Some of you can be a Race Car. Others can be a Man, a Plan, a Canal, Panama! And of course two of you can be Madam, I’m Adam (think about it… think about it).
  • Occupy protesters: This is just an excuse to bring a tent to the Sevens and appear socially conscious/tone-deaf.
  • Joshua Wong: What’s that guy up to, anyway? SATs?
  • The Michelin Guide guys in Hong Kong: Know nothing about food and Asia and randomly assign one to three stars to everything. Well done!
  • My Little Pony, Power Rangers, or Sailor Moon: Hear me out here. EVERYTHING is being rebooted, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Transformers to Super Hero films. Cool. So if you choose some stuff that was cool 15 to 20 years ago it will return at some point and you’ll look like a super-genius for choosing it years back, like an prescient person.
  • A janitor: Easy costumes, plus if you bring cleaning supplies to the South Stands you can make that public restroom 20 percent less disgusting before you use it.
  • CY Leung: Suit. Check. Tie. Clueless. Check plus.
  • CY Leung’s daughter: Um, I’m just going to move on here.
     

Yalun Tu is a writer based in Hong Kong. He wrote The Straight Man column for HK Magazine, and TV scripts for HBO Asia, Channel V, and Fox Movies Premium. You can contact him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.
 


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