Do you need to be across town in less than half hour, whether it be for a date, a business meeting, or to simply to give your friends a hard time for not being as punctual as you? Well, in Hong Kong, you won’t make it! Although the streets are relatively simple to navigate, the human obstacles in your way will conspire against you at every turn, no matter your age, gender, background or physical prowess.
Broken down below are just a few of the people and setups you will certainly have the misfortune to encounter on the streets of Hong Kong. More importantly, however, we bring you the top tips for breaking through the barricades.
The Family Blockade
This random family has annoyingly managed to position every member of its stinking clan in a line the width of the pavement, thus preventing everyone behind from passing.
Uncalled For Course of Action (UCFA): Kick the smallest member out the way, and run!
The Slipstream Slip-Up
To your delight, you’ve spotted someone walking just as fast as you. Hurray! You’ve found your rush hour buddy. So you follow at close quarters in their wake. A few seconds pass and something random catches their attention, forcing them to come to a complete and sudden halt in front of you. Collision and anger ensues.
UCFA: Karate chop them in the back of the neck.
Do you own a smart phone? Do you roam the city texting and watching videos whilst walking? If you answered yes to both questions, you have just met the requirements to be labeled a “ Mobile Zombie”. Caution is recommended when confronting a MZ and they should be considered dangerous, especially when they have no idea they’re making a B-line towards you.
UFCA: Grab their phone and throw it.
Picture walking swiftly through a crowded city street only to be back handed in your private parts. You can credit this type of incident to the people swinging their arms so uncontrollably that they resemble a whacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man. Thanks Family Guy!
UFCA: Wind you arm like a wind turbine as you walk by.
The force is strong with people who have mastered Street Sonar. These people have the incredible ability to sense when you’re trying to walk past them and promptly zig-zag their way into every space you go for.
UFCA: Break out your phone and play “Move Bitch” by Ludacris
The heavens have opened and somehow you find yourself first in line for the next train. It’s always rush hour in Hong Kong, so let’s face it, only a selected few will be getting on the ride. You’re one of the lucky ones. Just as the MTR doors slide open, however, senior ninjas fly out of nowhere and scramble to take your spot. Hong Kong’s elderly are masters of tai-chi and are surprisingly quicker on their feet than you might expect.
UFCA: There is no Uncalled For Course of Action here. Just suck it up. They’re old and you’ll be considered an asshole.
Unfortunately, you’re likely to encounter all of these people if you walk or commute by public transport in Hong Kong. On the bright side, however, these trials provide you a little something extra to talk about when you see your friends or family. You’re typical greeting will undoubtably open with: “Urgh! You wouldn’t believe what happened on my way here…”
Happy walking Hongkongers!
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