In what universe is an unsolicited hand around a throat “loveable”? The answer is, of course, no universe, though I can’t help but wonder if a post-50 Shades of Grey universe is normalising these types of actions.
Thankfully, RainLily, Hong Kong’s only rape crisis centre, has not seen an increase in Bondage Dominance Discipline Submission Sadism Masochism (BDSM) related sexual violence since the book’s launch in 2011.
The 50 Shades book-cum-movie franchise (pun intended) has brought BDSM to the forefront of the public’s minds and loins, and its influence is inescapable.
Just Google the title, and you’ll find countless articles lauding it for breaking open a sensitive topic, damning it for corrupting the world, or shaming it for misrepresenting BDSM in general. But how has the world’s most popular fan-fiction affected our little SAR?
It may come as a surprise to many to learn that Hong Kong has a healthy, though underground, BDSM/kink scene. We have several professional dominatrixes, and two active organisations hosting bi-monthly meetings, workshops and titillating events.
Mistress Ai, one of Hong Kong’s prominent professional dominatrixes, believes the books have only helped the BDSM community, and credits them for the recent surge of new, mostly female, participants at the regular “Munches” – informal, non-sexual gatherings.
Mistress Ai
But Jannus, a dominant and lead organiser of Kinky Hong Kong’s BDSM events, believes the effects are deeper and, dare I say, a few shades darker.
New members brought in by the books often do not grasp the complex relationship that exists between BDSM partners, he claims. It’s not a case of throwing someone against a wall and having your wicked way (that’s called rape, actually), it’s a relationship that is developed over time.
This level of awareness, which all good dominants have, is something only achieved through equal parts of patience and, ironically, empathy, says Jannus.
“Educators and organisers are working hard to educate new participants, and fix misconceptions. People are coming in asking for 50 Shades – they want to have a slave or be a slave.”
He explains, however, how removed the books are from real BDSM: “It’s pure fantasy; there’s not enough communication, and virtually no consent”– the two pillars of BDSM.
For Jannus, the trend is cause for concern as the book has been criticised for normalising predatory behaviour. “Within the community we work hard to keep bad people out. Christian Grey would definitely be excluded.”
“If there is a problem, we will do our best to fix it… we will call the police, find a social worker — whatever we have to do.” Though, thankfully, Jannus says he has never had to do this in his role as an organiser.
Mr. D* [name changed, obviously], a dominant practitioner for over 15 years, agrees, calling E.L James’ portrayal of the lifestyle both “exploitative” and “destructive”. However, he also believes that the narrative has provided a positive and necessary service in Hong Kong.
“Hong Kong is sexually a very repressed society, so the film has opened the doors for many to reconsider the basis of their sexuality… The damage [to the perception of BDSM] must be weighed against the unintended but real benefits brought to the sexually repressed society of Hong Kong.”
Psychotherapist and sex therapist Nikki Green has seen this effect in her clients too, noting that it has helped people to come out as gay, negotiate with their partners, experiment more sexually and just generally feel good about themselves.
Kinksters aren’t solitary and maladjusted figures in dungeons; they’re an active and social bunch. The heart of the Hong Kong scene is the strong community that provides education and support, both inside and outside of play.
Mistress Ai
Green believes the community is a far safer way to participate in BDSM than meeting people through fetish websites. In her opinion, many “dysfunctional” people are drawn to those sites, because they are unregulated.
“Sex addicts – people incapable of real relationships – are drawn to these sites. Like drug addicts, they are constantly seeking higher highs, and pushing more and more”.
“You just have to be careful,” she warns, adding that these people are not representative of the true BDSM community. “BDSM is really an extension of good sex, and the same rules apply,” says Green, “Communication is the most vital thing…”
Before starting a scene, the players discuss what they want and don’t want out of the session. Submissives are actually the ones in control, and have a list of “hard limits’” or actions that are completely out of bounds. While they may not be the ones holding the whips, it’s actually the submissives calling the shots.
“We’re not sissies,” says one of Miss Ai’s slaves. “It takes strength to be a submissive.”
Many applaud 50 Shades for bringing BDSM into the open, but this publicity is a double-edged sword.
(SPOILER ALERT)
The trilogy concludes with Grey being “cured” and returning to a life of vanilla sex. For Jannus, this ending “pathologises BDSM” and paints it as an issue to be resolved, or an obstacle to true happiness.
“People do BDSM because it’s fun, and it makes them happy,” he says. “Kink is about expressing yourself in a fun, safe, and sexy way — however you want to do that.”
In Hong Kong, it seems the effect of 50 Shades of Grey is mostly positive. The books have increased the lifestyle’s visibility, enhanced safety awareness within the community and created a platform for people to discuss sexual issues like never before.
BDSM almost seems a little tame – if you ignore the flogging – when you consider how safe it ultimately is.
You can even have a scene without any dominance or bondage at all: “You can be a dog and a cat if you want,” Jannus says. “If someone says, ‘I want to play puppies for two hours’, you say, ‘Great! Let’s be the best damn puppies that ever were!’”
You can find Kinky HK on www.fetlife.com if you are interested in joining the scene.
