The Realist: My 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

It’s my fourth favourite column of the year! (after Sevens Costumes/Dress Like a Slut and Merry Materialism – EDM remix). Here’s what I’ve resolved for myself in 2016:

·         Be less fat (that’s sort of always at the top)

·         Be skinnier

·         Have less fat on my body

·         When I look at my body, I see that it is covered in a grotesque amount of fat. Remove that

·         Be less judgmental of weird freaks and incredibly horrible, boring, horrible people

·         Stretch

·         Read more news

·         Read more gov’t mouthpieces acting like news (SCMP)

·         More dance parties. Nobody in the history of the world has ever said, “Last year there was just far too many dance parties”

·         When I do the double kiss on the cheeks, actual kisses instead of air kisses

·         Fewer carbs (see first four resolutions)

·         Take the MTR to places I’ve never been. What’s in “Heng On”? What the hell is “Lam Tin”? I fully expect to get off at “Tai Wo Hang” and find out it’s just a giant hole in the ground

·         Read a Coconuts article while eating a coconut dessert from Honeymoon and drinking from a fresh coconut. It must happen

·         Watch better TV series. Narcos is pretty good. Can’t we do the Hong Kong version of Narcos?

·         Learn to do the splits. I’m only four feet away 

·         Call my mom twice a month

·         Call someone’s random mom once a month

·         Tell somebody a “yo mama” joke once a month

·         Purchase a very small Buddha and place it in the woods adjoining the Big Buddha. Then ask someone if they want to see the Buddha, take them to the small one and say “hahahahahaha, we’re giants!” and see if we get smote down

·         Sneak into the infinity pool

·         Fewer junks. They take up the whole day and night and leave you feeling woozy for days

·         Find a restaurant guinea pig to try out places and tell me if they’re horrible or not

·         Figure out how to make my apartment 10 times larger through the use of mirrors

·         Get kicked out of a club so that bouncers actually have to physically carry me out, but not get arrested

·         Jump around! Jump around! Even when the song’s not playing

·         Go to at least one indie concert in HK that’s not absolutely horrible

·         Be more positive. It’s easy to be a huge negative dick. Don’t do that. Uh, also, ignore everything I wrote above

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Yalun Tu is a writer based in Hong Kong. He wrote The Straight Man column for HK Magazine, and TV scripts for HBO Asia, Channel V, and Fox Movies Premium. You can contact him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.
 


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