My extremely misguided colleague Beatrix Chau threw her weird fedora in the Coconuts ring this week when she argued that rugby is better than American football, the latter of which I’ll just call “football” and assume you’re smart enough to figure it out.
I’d like to offer a modest rebuttal, which is about as ridiculous as Swift’s proposal. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about just eat some Irish children and let’s move on.
Note: like any internet teardown, mine will be one part nuanced argument, 98 parts aggressive personal attacks. Here we go:
First of all, B (can I call you that?), you can’t lose your American friends just like I can’t lose my tickets to the Rugby World Cup – I never had any to begin with. It sucks that you’re dragged early to watch rugby “with the taste of Al’s jello shots still on my tongue” (protip: check out those Crest commercials running on YouTube) but don’t take that out on poor defenceless millionaire athletes.
As they say, don’t hate the player, don’t hate the game – hate that you find yourself at 7am in the Dog House with dudes arguing about sports. Maybe sleep in? Go on a hike? Troll more Crossfitters? Live your life.
Secondly, and I’m paraphrasing so pundits should go to the original source here, are B’s pro-rugby arguments (in italics):
Rugby players are real men, as evidenced because some guys drinking at 7am in a bar say so, as does Jeremy Clarkson, a man who potentially makes racist comments and may have punched his producer.
This isn’t really a debate. These dudes are all real men. They get walloped weekly for our entertainment. Also, I kind of like Jeremy Clarkson. He’s like that drunk uncle who shows up for Christmas, says crazy things, then walks away. But I probably wouldn’t take his word as gospel.
Rugby is non-stop, whereas football stops all the time. And there’s too many commercials.
Cry me a river, B. You have Candy Crush on your phone, you have alcohol. Do something in between plays. Chat with your non-American friends. More CrossFit trolling!
Football stops because the players line up in different formations, like a general organising a platoon of soldiers for a battle. That battle happens every play. It takes a while to get used to but so does watching 14 guys hug it out for 14 minutes all day long at the Sevens, and yes I’m talking about both on the field and off it.
Football is hard to learn. It makes ouchies in my brain. B’s analogy is between if one likes chess (football) or a “free-flowing spontaneous game like checkers” (rugby).
Chess is better than checkers. Fact. People may have heard of Bobby Fischer or Garry Kasparov but nobody knows the world champion of checkers because it’s probably some nine-year-old girl in Thailand. Also, have you ever had the following convo:
– You: Want to play a game?
– Friend: Sure!
– You: Do you want it to be free-flowing and spontaneous?
– Friend: Sure! This sounds like a fun drinking game.
– You: Let’s play checkers!
– Friend: ….
Many football players are criminals who have been charged for murder, attempted murder, and general brutal stuff.
I’ve got nothing here. For we Americans there’s too much cognitive dissonance so we just ignore that fact as well as the horrible concussions and problems the sport creates. USA! USA!
Rugby players are sexy based on Google searches whereas football players are not sexy based on Google searches. And oh yeah, rugby players wear short shorts.
I’m not sure I’m the right demographic to get excited about how hot rugby players vs. football players are, but based on the bro-fondling I’ve witnessed after rugby fans drink four pints, they perhaps are in a good spot to judge and seem to find themselves very sexy indeed. So you win there.
A photo used in B’s original blog to show how sexy/manly rugby guys are…
So I guess there you have it: if you want a chess match, a complex game that, for sure, takes time to learn, and superior athletes (we’ll ignore the murders), American football is the game for you. If you want hot guys hugging it out, head to the Dog House with B and her non-American friends to watch some rugby.
And, I hate that I have to write this, but I do: if you’re the type of person who takes this stuff very seriously and wants to fight me over why rugby’s better, I’m down. Just meet me in Sai Kung at 3am on a Tuesday by the Paisano’s. I’m totally going to show up there. Just wait a bit.
Yalun Tu is a writer based in Hong Kong. He wrote The Straight Man column for HK Magazine, and TV scripts for HBO Asia, Channel V, and Fox Movies Premium. You can contact him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.
