Hi there. Welcome to The Realist. It’s a new Coconuts HK column, and you’re reading the very first one. Congratulations to you!
How does that make you feel? Stronger than an ox? Fitter than a CrossFit athlete who spends every waking moment telling you how fit he/she is? Crazier than a 40-foot-tall poster of an old man screaming “SAY NO TO DRUGS” in LKF?
So what is The Realist? And is it an annoying rhetorical technique to ask a person reading an online column questions and then answering them? (Yes). Let me tell you more:
The Realist is my take on life, plain and simple.
From the mundane to sublime, from exotic locales to our own Hong Kong (excluding Kowloon and the New Territories – places I’ve never been since they’re not bars in Central), I’ll run through important issues we all face every day, like:
– Where to go on a Friday night
– What that weird gold stuff is that looks kinda like a painted-on tattoo that girls are wearing all the time
– How many junks is too many junks
– Helpers’ rights in Hong Kong
– Why I’m currently so hungover (Answer: Mahalo opening. Pro-tip: if you ever find yourself uttering the phrase, “Let me just try one of everything on the menu”, life the next day will not be good)
– If it’s worse to be called a “crazy girl” or a “creepy guy”
– How to tell Americans and Canadians apart (Americans say “excuse me”; Canadians say “Pardon”)
– How to tell English people and Australians apart (English people say “oi” when they’re upset; I don’t talk to Australians so have no idea what they say but I think they’re all airplane pilots)
– The best social clubs in Hong Kong
– If we’re getting another Occupy Movement
– If it’s douchier to say “I went to school in New Jersey” or “I went to Princeton” at a party
– What’s the next HK food trend after this burger nonsense dies down
– If it’s more embarrassing to say “we met on Tinder” or “we met at an EDM concert”
– Getting your date to stop texting at dinner
– The time I got punched in the face
– Writing passive-aggressive notes on public forums to people who owe you money but still haven’t paid you, Carl
– How to say “I work for Coconuts” without sounding like an insane person who thinks he’s employed by a delicious fruit
So check back here every Friday to find out more Hong Kong happenings and what’s up in general. You can also email me at yalun.tu@gmail.com if you have a burning question you want answered, a story or column idea, or a free Tesla to give me.
Be well boys and girls. Speak soon.
Yalun Tu is a writer based in Hong Kong. He wrote The Straight Man column for HK Magazine, and TV scripts for HBO Asia, Channel V, and Fox Movies Premium. You can contact him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.
