No shy winks here. Go “Down the Rabbit Hole” for real thoughts from Jessica Rabbit about her very real sex life.
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE — So I finally joined the rest of the world and set up my Tinder account for the first time. Some people think the dating app is not as well developed as OkCupid where you answer a thousand questions to get matched up with people who share similar interests and values. Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck to not have the time to answer all those silly questions. Also, my main purpose for dating now is to find a stallion of a man who can give me everything I want in bed and won’t be an asshole about it.
I spent about two hours swiping through the male specimens of Bangkok who had made themselves available on this popular dating application. At first it seemed quite promising and my goal was just to have a boy toy so I “liked” a bunch of half-naked dudes who probably spend too much time at the gym looking at themselves in the mirror. My friends called them “douche-faces,” but all I really saw was a human dildo. I had to agree with them on a certain level though, so I stopped liking guys wearing sunglasses at night, regardless of their drool-worthy eight packs. As my fingers rapidly worked through the photos, I knew I wanted some variety, so I went for a stylishly dressed man with dreadlocks. He had a nice smile. This guy ended up telling me he sold drugs for a living. Well at least it’s paying for his nice clothes.
After talking to a few guys and feeling like the conversations were going nowhere, I finally settled on meeting up with a good-looking, Caucasian dude who did not have shirtless selfies but instead a nice profile photo that looked like it was taken in a studio. It was a black and white shot, which I later realized hid his wrinkles well. He’s actually not much older than me, but the white genes aren’t exactly a fountain of youth.
We met in the morning for a breakfast date, so I got a clear view of his face and height. It became apparent to me why he didn’t have any full body shots on Tinder. We were almost the same height, and I was wearing flats. He drove a Vespa which I was impressed by until I saw the thing had a basket hanging from the back. What a way to ruin a perfectly good Vespa and turn my pussy into the Sahara desert at the same time. Oh but the real deal breaker, the one that closed-up and chain-locked my nether regions was when he “suddenly realized” he forgot his wallet, and I had to pay for our meal. I wouldn’t mind so much, but the fact was his Vespa and wallet were just outside the café. He could’ve easily retrieved some money. I think both men and women would agree it’s a big no-no for a girl to pay on the first date. You want to know what’s worse? He ate my food and even admitted he always does that with his friends. Um ok, Mr. Cheap-Ass.
We talked about a bunch of dreary things like all the places he lived before – including his hometown which was some rural place I never heard of in the United Kingdom, which explains why his accent was an annoying combination of British and Australian. But the real killer was when he talked about his job. There are a few occupations in Thailand that deem a guy unfit for dating: teacher, volunteer, freelance writer and, though not really a job, backpacker. He was a teacher. It would’ve been cool if he was teaching Marine Biology or Visual Arts at a respected university, but his school is inside a mall.
I’d never been on such a bad date before so I really had no idea what to do. For some reason he stuck around even though we didn’t talk much, and I was on my phone most of the time. I’m sure he could tell I wasn’t interested because I don’t really do well with faking anything. He probably couldn’t get over the fact that he had landed a date with a girl totally out of his league, and he didn’t want the dream to end. I’m just lucky he had to teach class that afternoon, and I was resourceful enough to convince him not to cancel the class, “Oh, don’t cancel your class. It’s not fair to your student!”
I really meant it wasn’t fair to me. Is there ever a way to politely drop a guy? You just don’t know what an enraged or embarrassed man could do in that kind of situation. Guys call it “playing games,” but for us ladies it’s more like playing with life or death. Really great tip for when you’re Tindering: don’t give them your real mobile number. Use your LINE ID because that way you can block them and never have to speak with them again.
Go further down the rabbit hole:
Jessica Rabbit reviews Bangkok’s feast of international douchebags
Sex in the tropics: 9 tips for getting off without blowing your boiler
Believe it or not, I dated a hot virgin in Bangkok
10 men you’ll date or sleep with in Bangkok
The night I lost my vibrator charger
