Those of us without a Valentine to spend Love Day with tomorrow may be tempted to reach for our smartphones and spin the wheel of luck, aka Tinder.
While Bangkok is chaotic and everywhere are people you can strike up conversation, you hesitate. You don’t know if you want to cross that “no disturb sign” when every person around has their face buried in their smartphone, ears plugged with headphones.
Suddenly, the city is pretty lonely. So what’s a twenty-something Thai woman to do? Swipe her way through profile after profile after profile to find Mr. Right, or at least Mr. Right Now.
Whether you roll through a few or few hundred of available Bangkok bachelors, here’s what you’ll find.
1. The party guy
Look at you. You’re drinkin’ and workin’ the party with that beer in hand, and yes I notice the Siam Tonight logo at the corner of your photo. You must be the life of the party, even if you were photobombing a sexier group shot.
Congratulations on your awesomeness. Nothing is hotter than seeing a half-drunk guy. I might swipe right if I come across your profile when I’m drunk too. At least we’d have that in common.
2. The pilot
Operating that heavy machine is just so sexy. I get it – you’re a pilot, and you think women sexualize your occupation the way men do with flight attendants. You’re here a few days before taking off on a long flight. Between your rest, I guess you have three hours to meet me, so we can get a drink and a quickie. It’s sort of exciting though, especially the fact I’ll never see you again.
3. The gang bang
I assume you’re the guy in front? You could also be the blonde on the higher step. I’m confused. Does it mean I get all five of you at the same time if I swipe right? Is this how Tinder works?
4. The Instagram guy
Because all I need to know about you can be fit into two words: “Instagram: Paddy_Maag.” That description is so mysterious and tempting. It makes me want to find out more about who you are.
Who are you, Paddy?
I expect to find a series of sentimental photographs taken when you got your first yantra tattoo and surfed the giant waves. The adventures are captured through your Android because you’re the kind of guy who is too cool for Apple products.
Too bad, though. I’m too cool to look you up on Instagram.
5. The guy with history
Seriously, I almost didn’t see the girl whose face was mostly cropped out of your photo. I don’t know what she did to deserve this, but I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.
I know her shadow is following you as seen on your photo. You had a history, and I respect it. I will help you forget her, and we will grow together as she fades from your memory.
Seriously, guy, just fucking take a new photo.
6. The man in the mirror
Everyone loves to bash men who have the guts – or abs – to post a mirror selfie, especially when you are shirtless and that six-pack is throbbing.
Taking a mirror selfie shows that you don’t care about criticism. You believe in yourself enough to not care that someone might stereotype you as a self-absorbed douchebag. Women find confidence attractive, and what could prove your confidence better than standing shirtless in your white boxers in front of a mirror, totally exposed for the judgement of million tinder users.
I’m sorry, but they will still call you a douchebag.
7. The tall guy
“#nofilter. 1.80M. 78kg”
Thanks for the stats. So, your BMI is average. Cheers to your health! I guess you get asked that a lot because women are obsessed with height. We want someone bigger than us in order to feel feminine. But at the same time, we’re saddened you don’t have anything better to say about yourself other than your height. If you were a girl, I guess you would put your bra size in the description?
8. The world traveler
“I’m at the top of the world!” you must have been thinking as you took that photo after climbing that mountain. Not only the photo says you’re perfectly fit and adventurous, it also says you’re a cliche.
No, there’s nothing wrong with you, but there are too many of you.
Out of 10 guys, I see at least four who say they love to travel. Newsflash: Everyone likes to travel. It’s not a unique or special trait to brag about.
I have seen a description that said he has been to more than 76 countries, but at the end of the day, do you think women choose their partner/hookup by the number of countires you’ve visited?
9. The guy who flips me off
I don’t think of you. I don’t even look at your face. Swipe left and move on.
10. The ladies man
Oh look, you’ve got two hot broads in the both of your arms. That’s probably means a double “lady charge” at the kind of hotel you’re staying at. You must be loaded and charming to have such an exciting life.
I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me by this picture. Maybe you want to say you have a way with the ladies. Then why would you be on Tinder?
11. The pedophile and sex offender
I think it’d even be classier if you just used a photo of your penis.
12. The tiger man
We saved the best for the last: the men with tigers. Unless you are a frequent Tinderer, you would not believe the numbers of men posing with tigers. Because paying to touch a drugged, exploited and likely trafficked animal is really going to convince me of your tough-but-tender nature.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
