The reaction to Coconuts Bangkok’s first Seventh Heaven proved that, as we suspected, thousands of Bangkokians are meeting their nutritional needs with cuisine purchased from 7-Eleven – the convenience store network most experts call “the backbone of Thailand.” And so, with newfound gusto, we plough on with our celebration of all things highly convenient yet faintly revolting – in this, the second edition of Seventh Heaven.
This time: sandwiches. At the risk of being unnecessarily vulgar – as well as absurdly hyperbolic – let’s first point out that the modern world would be completely fucked without sandwiches. Today’s “faster or die” mindset demands food we can consume on the move. Hence the popularity of the sandwich, a savory meal that’s as portable and easy to eat as an apple. Anyhow, since none of us have time to do anything except eat, tweet and stalk strangers on the Skytrain anymore, we need sandwiches now more than ever. And 7-Eleven knows that. Here’s six of the best.
Shredded Chicken & Bologna Sausage Sandwich*
As anyone who likes bacon in their burger will attest, sometimes one meat just isn’t enough. Hence this creation, which is really two boloney sandwiches glued together with sweet-as-candy chicken mince. The whole thing comes in at a piffling 12 baht, so you know what sort of cuts you’re getting. Nose-to-tail eating is in right now so don’t complain.
Before consuming one of these, you might, as I did, stare at it for a while and steel yourself. But we foodies must be brave! Here’s the scoop: The boloney yields easily, while the sticky-sweet chicken strands put up quite a bit of tooth resistance, bit-by-bit releasing dribbles of bulking water into your mouth. I spat my first and only bite into a bin, but I can assure you this was done only in the spirit of a wine taster who doesn’t actually swallow the product.
Ham And Cheese Toasted Sandwich
The classic. This is the one you order when you’re hungover as a dog and have five minutes to get something in your stomach before that three-hour meeting starts. Those five minutes can be testing, as the staff repeatedly opens the toastie machine to see if your breakfast is ready. Jai yen yen, my friend; let chef do his job and you will be rewarded with a crispy, slightly charred sandwich of processed cheese and mechanically reconstituted pork. True, it doesn’t taste of much – but it’s far too early in the morning for flavor. Best consumed with a bottle of purple Gatorade, allowing you to pretend you’re a famous Southern rapper enjoying his “purple drank.”
Sausage Cake Sandwich
Not so much a sandwich, this, more a cake in toasted-sandwich form. Which leads to the obvious question: how many times have you been eating a dessert and thought “this would be so much nicer with some meat products in it”? What you get here is sweet, fluffy sponge cake stuffed with low-grade wiener sausages. We hope this is not the last of 7-Eleven’s meat cakes and have come up with our own wishlist for future products. Top of that list are a blackberry cheesecake with chunks of spam in the cream cheese and a banana cake texturally jazzed up with chicken tendons. Are you listening, Seven?
Ham And Cheese Croissant Sandwich
In France, tales abound of how the croissant got its distinctive crescent shape. Most suggest the iconic pastry was so-formed in celebration of a battlefield victory against the Ottomans, who had Islamic crescents on their flags. (Indeed, it is well known that Muslim fundamentalists still to this day refuse to eat croissants.) But 7-Eleven is not a company to let notions of so-called “tradition” get in the way of convenience. Here, the croissant is refashioned – in the square, diagonally riven form of a toasted sandwich. It’s very similar to the ham and cheese toastie described above, but with added French va va voom. Buy this with a can of Birdie iced coffee, sit yourself on the 7-Eleven stoop, ponder the meaninglessness of it all and consider yourself Bangkok’s answer to Sartre.
Crab Stick Mayonnaise Pocket Sandwich*
One of a range of 7-Eleven “pocket sandwiches” that sit on the baked goods shelves. They’re made of slices of fluffy white bread sealed along the sides to create a “pocket,” in turn filled with highly saccharine meat or fish. In this one is a substance that tastes a bit like something a small child might puke up during a visit to the seaside – in a good way, obviously. Looking more closely at the filling, you’ll see that the crabstick has been shredded into a mishmash of white and pink strips which look like little otherworldly tentacles. Thus, when eating this product it’s fun to imagine you’re consuming some sort of alien lifeform. An alien lifeform, in a sandwich, soaked in sweet mayonnaise.
Chicken Cheese Pizza Toasted Sandwich
If I said this one isn’t actually too bad, would you believe me? And would saying that shatter the entire conceit of this article? Let’s see: This one isn’t actually too bad. Seriously. It’s got cheese and tomato and little bits of chicken in it and it coasts off that classic cheese and tomato combo which is pretty hard to screw up. I say it again: this one isn’t actually too bad. Seriously… What’s that? You don’t believe me? Adieu.
* This, as with many 7-Eleven baked goods products, is made by a company called Le Pan. Not Le Pain, note. That would be waaaaay too obvious a name for a baking company. The word here is “pan,” which an Internet dictionary tells me is a French exclamation meaning “bang!” Presumably as in: “Bang! We just made some cray cray baked products that can sit on the shelves for three months without going stale. Let’s take the rest of the day off.”
Seventh Heaven: An occasional column in which Dan Waites explores the culinary delights of Thailand’s favorite convenience store franchise.
