Krungthep Mahanakorn, the City of Angels, Bangkok – a metropolis whose full name is the longest given to any place on earth – is a spectacular, bewildering and oftentimes confounding urbanscape teeming with human life and, as those of us who live here know, rivalled by none other in its potential for fun.

From the mundane to off-the-charts insane, entertainment options in Bangkok are in no short supply – I’ve heard more than one resident comment that maybe there is too much fun to be had in Bangkok. That’s a discussion for another time and place (that said, go ahead o’ pundits of Bangkok lore, and let flow in the comments section below).

To simplify our discussion, let’s take a look at some suggestions based on a typical dating pattern in Bangkok (entirely subjective) – that is, if “typical” ends up with you and your partner at an S&M dungeon.

First Date

Don’t be lame – movies are not for first dates (unless you’re both member of the Friese-Greene Club on Sukhumvit 22, which also has a bar and thus doesn’t qualify as a typical first-date-movie experience). As tempting as it is for your lazy, overheated self to seek the safe confines of an air-conditioned megaplex where you can be served a shitty dinner and even shittier wine at an overpriced “first-class” seat while gazing at the screen, resist.

Be active. It’s 2015. Keep up with the times. The hipsters are cycling. Fat cat CEOs are no longer fat because it’s no longer cool to sit around eating, drinking and puffing cigars (admittedly, as I write this, the lure of cigars and booze is nearly irresistible… but I brought my shiny new running shoes all the way to work with me, and I’ll be damned if I don’t sport them in the park tonight).

Point being, it’s hip to be healthy. But good god do not plan a first date around jogging, for that would be miserable. Make it cycling, because it’s fast, fun and breezy (is this a metaphor for your dating life?). Your humble writer suggests a tour of Pra Pradaeng for a first date, and if cycling is a go, then try the new Peppermint Bike Park.

The Awakening

So you and your partner are hitting your stride. You’ve been to the parks, you’ve cycled your asses off. You’ve done lunch and dinner (but not each other… yet), and you’re ready to put breakfast on the menu.

This is where movies come in to play – at home. You’re not 16 years old, so don’t act like it and stay out of movie theaters unless you’re aiming to fail or taking your wife. Needless to say, if you can cook, cook one hell of a meal (if you can’t, just order from one of the myriad food delivery services), but don’t light any fucking candles. You’re not inhabiting a romance novel, or trying to pull a creepy fifty-shades-of-grey move – but, and here’s the risk, you do have “Fifty Shades of Grey” cued on your Primetime TV account for said date.

Now, if you’re laughing, good! Because that’s what this is all about: humor (and, frankly, sex. Remember, you’re shooting for breakfast). You have good taste, your partner has good taste, and you can watch this film and take it for whatever it’s worth to you. It’s been slated in the press, but winning at the box office – it has appeal, and that appeal is sexual. So, have a laugh, be sexual – but please be responsible.

No Turning Back

You’ve done breakfast. You’ve discussed “Fifty Shades.” You’ve discussed it a lot. You actually do want to inhabit a bit of the film, and you realize your both a bit more curious than expected. You’re also not in Kansas, or Karachi, or K… whatever. You’re in Bangkok, where the potential to explore the darker shades of grey is certainly there. But where do you and your partner take your new fascination to test the waters?

An S&M club, duh. Where? Demonia on Sukhumvit 33. Reportedly, supposedly, I’ve heard that apparently this is the place where the pros go, and in turn is itself a professional establishment. There’s also the more amateurish BarBar in Patpong that’s been described as a good place for first timers. What you have to decide is: Are you a pro, or are you an amateur? Whatever the decision, there’s certainly no turning back in this relationship once tutus are donned and whips are cracked.

Wanna set that “Fifty Shades of Grey” date at your pad? Look no further, friend, because Primetime TV has the box-office-smashing film available for your intimate viewing pleasure!

 

Erotic drama Fifty Shades of Grey, which is based on the 2011 novel of the same name, was the third-highest-grossing film of 2015 and stars Dakota Johson as Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey as a successful young businessman with a penchant for sadomasochistic play.

Stream “Fifty Shades of Grey” today on your mobile phone, tablet, or desktop computer. For more information, please visit Primetime TV.

Check out Primetime on Facebook.