No shy winks here. Go “Down the Rabbit Hole” for real thoughts from Jessica Rabbit about her very real sex life.
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE – It was way past midnight when I realized in the worst possible way that I’d lost the charger to my vibrator. There I was, happy as a clam in bed with my favorite thing in the world humming between my legs, when it stopped suddenly.
There actually would have been plenty of warning, but I didn’t see the flashing red LED light because the last few times I’d either played in the dark, with my eyes closed in fantasy world, or had the blanket over my private parts. Frantically I pushed all the buttons trying to revive my Lelo (a quality brand for sex toys, in case you didn’t know)… knowing that it was already too late.
I’d been traveling much too frequently over the past two months and was still living out of my suitcase. My mind started racing, unable to remember the last time I’d even seen the charger! I jumped out of bed, bottom half naked, scrambling towards the final piece of luggage that I’d been too lazy to unpack. Skirts, socks, thongs, everything was tossed into a huge mess. I just had to find the damn charger!
My heart sank, as I reached the bottom of the empty suitcase. My beloved toy would remain dead. The charger was nowhere to be found. Could it be intertwined between the string bikinis and thongs? Why did I have to buy so much black underwear? I gave up on finding the charger amongst my clothes. It occurred to me that I might have charged it up at my friend’s house when I stayed in the guest room. I envisioned the charger still there plugged into the wall just waiting to be found. It was nearly 2am, but that didn’t stop me from sending an emergency Whatsapp message: “I think I left my charger in the socket behind the bedside table.” She didn’t respond so I moved on to Plan B: Operation Online Shopping.
I went straight to the mothership: Lelo.com. They were offering 20% discount if you filled out a sex survey. Heck yeah I’ll divulge my sex secrets to get a good deal on a new Lelo! After filling out the whole survey, revealing more kinky stuff than I’d like to admit, choosing my new toy, and filling out my mailing and billing info, it turned out that – drumroll please – Lelo didn’t ship to Thailand. This was the lovely message that popped up: “Thank you for your interest in Lelo. Unfortunately your country’s regulations prohibit us from importing personal massagers.” I wanted to shoot someone, or maybe just my vagina for all the trouble it was causing me.
Why not buy one from a sex shop here in Bangkok? Because they don’t exist! Apparently buying and selling sex toys is illegal in Thailand (which is ridiculous on so many levels). All you have here are the piece-of-shit sex toys that litter the streets of Nana and Silom. I’m not that desperate, yet. Only premium toys (and dicks) for my pussy, thanks.
However, I do pride myself on being a problem-solver and quite well connected around town. So I called my sex toy distributor friend who does business between China and Europe but resides in Bangkok. A few years ago he had samples in stock that included two Lelos. No reason why he shouldn’t still have them, right? Wrong. He sold everything over a year ago. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep so well that night.
The next morning my friend responded and said she’d found my charger. I beamed with joy and told my boyfriend, “I’m so proud of myself for remembering where I left it!” To which he responded, “I’m so proud of myself for staying calm while you went berserk.” I laughed it off and went to pick up my charger, a journey which took 1.5 hrs in a cab thanks to Bangkok’s hellish traffic. Thankfully I was so tired from the traumatic night before that I slept through parts of the ride. Finally I reached my friend’s house. We chatted a bit while I feigned interest, my eyes shifting around the room looking for my precious charger. There was a grey charger that looked like it came from the 90’s sitting on the kitchen counter. I silently prayed to God she didn’t think that ugly thing was my Lelo charger, but that was exactly what she handed to me. It wasn’t black. It did not have the letters “Lelo” inscribed on it like I’d described to her on the phone. My pussy and I felt totally defeated.
Back at home, I revisited the Lelo website and found out I could have just the charger shipped to Thailand, and that’s what I’m patiently waiting for now. I still wish I could’ve gotten a new toy, but I’ll have to settle with just having my Lelo revived back to life.
What about my boyfriend you may ask? Doesn’t he satisfy me? Heck yeah. That’s why I’ve got him on lock down. He’a all mine. Look, there are some things a girl can’t get from a vibrator, like tongue action or grabbing, slapping, hair pulling, thrusting, bondage… the list goes on.
But there are also things you can’t get from a real penis: vibration, mechanical pulsing, immediate sexual gratification any time you want.
And best of all, your vibrator asks for nothing in return!
UPDATE: Sometimes a girl just can’t get a break. Jessica writes with this dismaying update. “I just found out that my purchase of the charger was refunded. The company isn’t even allowed to ship the damn charger to me because I’m in Thailand!”
“Down the Rabbit Hole” is a new column on Coconuts Bangkok by Jessica Rabbit… check back next Friday for more salaciousness!
