We hold these truths to be self evident: that the roads of Bangkok are ridiculous and overcrowded, that commutes often take longer than Odysseus’ Odyssey and that overall, the city’s arteries are plagued by an atmosphere of pollution, congestion and horrible traffic management.
In the recent, Bangkok gubernatorial election, candidates professed their own methods for solving the growing traffic crisis, but similar campaign promises have been made before, to little effect.
Therefore, to secure our right to free and fair roads we must institute regulations for ourselves. Here is a set of 10 new rules for Bangkok drivers and the punishments for not following them. If implemented, these measures will (finally) help us make sense of our traffic nightmare.
Rule 1:
If you are a bus or van driver and are picking up passengers, there is only one lane you can use and that is the left lane. If you are double parking or even triple parking to pick up passengers you will be driving the next batch of supplies to Thailand’s Deep South where you will stay for the entirety of your driving career.
Seriously, Bangkok busses and vans think it’s okay if they take up two lanes on a three-lane street just so they can drop off or wait for passengers. This needs to stop, now.
Rule 1b:
In fact, if you’re driving a bus, it would be nice if you could go ahead and stick to the left lane at all times.
Rule 2:
If you drive a vehicle made during the Cold War, it is time to sell your car and get a new one. Seriously, there are even government subsidies to help you do so. Failure to upgrade regularly will result in half of Bangkok being stuck behind your détente-minded conveyance while you do 40 on the highway. Perestroika and Glasnost are resigned to the history books, so should be your Yugo.
Rule 3:
Roads have bends, so do highways. You do not need to slow down from 80 to 40 in order to navigate such bends, especially when doing so adds another 30 minutes to people’s commutes.
Rule 4:
Traffic lines will be respected. No one shall have the right to cut across three lanes to make a turn. People who violate these rules will be subjected to 48 hours of intense therapy, by which I mean an endless loop of Eminem Bossa covers. (The same ones employed in the lobbies of boutique hotels to ensure that no guests loiter in the lobby.)
Rule 5:
There is nothing wrong with wanting to drive at 50km/h on the highway, just like there is nothing wrong with repeating the second grade twice. But if you do choose to tackle the expressway at such a leisurely pace, make sure you DO NOT stay in the right lane. In fact, if you drive below 80 in the right lane you will be cursed by the highest order of mystic monks (not a Wu -Tang Clan offshoot) and your bulletproof amulets will be confiscated. This is not an empty threat.
Rule 6:
All traffic cops who block off one side of traffic to let another side go will be forced to do repeated renditions of Rebecca Black’s “Friday”…in public.
Rule 7:
All motorcycles drivers who swerve into and out of traffic will be rounded up to serve as testers for the GT200.
Rule 7b:
Motorcycle racing teens will be sent to re-education camps where they will be forced to watch the classic mid-2000s Ben Affleck film Gigli until they go insane or die, whichever comes first.
Rule 8:
Cars can no longer park on the side of the street in two lane streets. Anyone found guilty of such deviancy can expect harsh retribution.
Rule 9:
Cell phones and all other paraphernalia will not be allowed while driving. It’s already a law; it’s high time we enforce it.
Rule 9b:
Drunk Drivers will be forced to race in a demolition derby with a 6-drink minimum.
Rule 10:
The most important rule of all: If there are anymore street protests in Thailand, regardless of color, drivers will not be prosecuted for ramming their vehicles to break up the mobs.
These rules, if followed, are guaranteed to end our on-going traffic problems.
