We’re not against self-love, sexual experimentation or carnal pleasure in your golden years, but in the reworded mantra of Kendrick Lamar: Bitch, don’t steal my vibe(rator).
A 67-year-old man was handed a stiff punishment for the cheap thrill of stealing a box of Durex vibration stimulator from a Giant supermarket at Hougang Green Shopping Mall on Jan 17. Yahoo Singapore reports that Roy Cheong Weng Kay pleaded guilty in the State Courts, and received a day in jail and a $600 fine yesterday.
It’s unclear what kind of vibrator Cheong shoplifted (was it one of those cock ring thingamajigs? was it a fancy ribbed rod?), but the report stated that it was worth $24.75. Leading us to believe that it might very well be the Durex Play Touch, a product of the same price and also a vibrating device that you slip on your finger for fun times ahead. Either someone was very lucky to have Cheong as a lover, or the old man just wanted a nice, stimulating night in.
In any case, a Giant officer managed to catch Cheong in the act that night, when the man tried to low-key sneak off with the Durex box. The officer observed that Cheong placed the box behind his iPad before walking to the fruits and vegetables section. No, he did not grab any cucumbers along the way, you sick fucks.
It was when Cheong left the supermarket without paying for the vibrator that the officer confronted the old man. The police was called in, who arrested Cheong and seized the (thankfully unused) vibrator. The CCTV also caught the shoplifter’s actions.
As they say (no they don’t, we’re making this up), good vibes can’t come for free. The box of Durex vibration stimulator will be returned to the Giant outlet, where it will someday be properly purchased to spice up the sex lives of lovers, as it was destined to be.
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