Halal sex guide clarifies the Islamic stance on dry humping, but still can’t explain what else to call ‘doggy-style’

Last week, the Muslim world was rocked by the publication of a new “halal” sex guide, appropriately titled “The Muslimah Sex Manual: A Halal Guide to Mind Blowing Sex.”

Please, go on.

Author Umm Muladhat, a pseudonym used by the woman who would rather not be known as “the sex book auntie,” first saw a gap in the information available to her newly married friends, when they would confide in her their lackluster sex life.

But what makes a sex guide “halal”? Well, it’s not just in the way you’re killing it (puns!).

The author says:

I put an emphasis on having sex only with your spouse, but having the full range of sexual experiences with that spouse. Islamically, there’s an emphasis on enjoying physical relationships within the context of marriage, not just for procreation. It is the wife’s right that her husband satisfy her sexually.”

Why I do say, this is rather progressive. Blush.

The author had observed that many couples were getting married with little knowledge beyond “penis into vagina.” WAIT. There’s more?

They say that variety is the spice of life, and the book goes into different positions, different things to try in bed, and even “BDSM and doggy style.”

Hold on. Doggy style? Sorry, guys but if a “pretzel dog” needs to be called a “pretzel sausage” at Auntie Anne’s Malaysia because the name is not halal enough, then I’m not sure “doggy style” will pass muster.

This guide covers everything you can think of, and then throws in a few curve balls (ha!), including but limited to “quickies”, “your first time”, “dry humping” … yes, yes we’ve all seen “American Pie”, I think we get the picture.

But we’re not finished. She then moves onto other topics like femoral sex (being real, had to look that one up), forced sex fantasies (wow, blurred lines), and “the simple things” (I have no idea what that means anymore).

While some women claim that such explicit information is hardly needed, and that girls can learn about sex from their mothers (ew), others say the guide is a necessity for women who need to understand that sex is something to be enjoyed. And not, as one British Muslim put it, a time to “lie back and think of morning prayers.”