Bukit Aman dropping dollars to send team to United States for sex video forensics

Photo illustration
Photo illustration

‘Sup, peasants?! What are you blowing your money on today? Food? Rent? Paying off that student loan you got to study for a vaguely humanities degree so you [Ed. Note: We] could name-drop Comte to a bunch of philistines next time you [we] drink too much wine?

Well, now you can proceed with your day and sleep tight, knowing that our police force has decided to spend its money getting to the bottom of a certain grainy, seriously NSFW sex tape that was making the rounds of family WhatsApp group chats this June.

You know the one! Where an aide to a minister “confessed” to having homosexual relations with a current cabinet minister, who denied any such claims.

Yep, looks like someone made it to Chapter Two of How to Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying: Edisi Malaysia, and decided it was high time for a little bit of titillating, guy-on-guy intrigue.

Central police headquarters Bukit Aman held a press conference yesterday, telling reporters that “police had sent a team to the United States of America for a third-party expert’s opinion on the videos.”

“The report of the videos will be sent to us soon, definitely by the year’s end,” said Bukit Aman CID director Commissioner Huzir Mohamed.

Right. So, let’s just summarize this: A bunch of taxpayer-funded civil servants have scored themselves a trip to the United States to look at grainy pixels, and try to determine the provenance of the clip.

We’re assuming WeTransfer was down and DHL was closed?

“Who sent it? Who received it? There are so many things to question. When we did it, we know who the expert is, the credibility, and whether or not they had given statements in court before,” said the top cop.

Right. So, best case scenario, we maybe find out whose device was used to record this piss-poor, non-HD porn clip of prolonged ass licking that we had the indignity of watching earlier this year.

Great. Can’t wait!

Let us know when you’re ready to spend money on things that actually might help, guys – like, oh, we don’t know, stopping petty crime by putting more cops on the streets, or maybe finding that dude who stole our laptop that time.


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